Only The Cool Kids Are Invited To Hillary’s DNC Party

Politics are like the locker room at your old high school. The jocks whip each other with wet towels, the “nerds” are in the back playing Pokemon, the socially awkward are in the back corner reading (or writing) in a dirty hoodie sweatshirt, and the class clowns are testing their latest material on a group of teens that aren't listening.

So now it's time for the Democratic National Convention. For our analogy let's say that's the high school cafeteria. Hillary has gathered her rag-tag team of “mean girls” and is ready to take on the high school's newest popular king (Trump). I personally am imagining it as a High School Musical dance off.

I don't know about you, but I certainly was not involved in a group like that in high school. I would have been the weird one in the dirty hoodie sweatshirt, writing by myself, with a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Apparently, Hillary feels that only a select few are allowed into her group, I am not one of them obviously.

So I thought, instead of giving all the people attention who were invited, why not talk about the people who weren't invited.

Because us “weirdos” deserve to be noticed too.

CARROT TOP

I do not know how Hillary thinks she can run a serious campaign without the light brevity of Carrot Top. Her entire presidential run has been a practical joke from the start (we hope) So why only invite the “stiffs” to the party?

Can you image, Carrot Top MCing the DNC? Not only would both political parties have an orange hued man to shout truths to the audience, but it would be such a great contrast to Hillary's ‘dead-pan' humor.

Her constant jokes of “I'm innocent” or “I didn't send classified information through my personal email server, which I hide from you,” are some of the best comedic deliveries of all time. I just can't believe she wouldn't want another comedic genius up on stage with her.

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DAVID BLAINE

Perhaps the best magician on the planet wasn't invited to Hillary's party of the elite? What?! The mastermind of magical mysteries. The mad scientist of magicians. The David Blaine, was not invited?

That, to me, almost seems like an insult, especially since Hillary is a talented magician herself.

Who else, but a magician, could magically get themselves out of trouble with the U.S Government on multiple occasions? Who else could have evidence piled up against them of releasing classified information through an undocumented email server, and get away with it? Hillary is either a witch, a God, or a magician. The witch idea is tempting, but I have a feeling that a magician is more likely.

I guess Hillary was too embarrassed to be seen with her “magic” friends in front of her “cool” friends. Anyone who went to high school knows that magic was an immediate popularity killer.

EVAN SPIEGEL

How the inventor of making things disappear that you don't want anyone to see, didn't get an invite is beyond me.

Evan Spiegel turned ‘sexting' into a profit when he came up with SnapChat. In a way he and Hillary are practically the same person, except instead of making dirty pictures disappear, Hillary makes evidence disappear.

To be fair, Evan could have been invited. I don't know that Hillary didn't extend and invite. He could have gotten the invite and just have said, “Sorry Mrs. C, I got other plans that day.”

By the way, a little side not, how do you get invited to speak at the DNC? Is it a letter that is sent out? Like Willy Wonka's golden ticket? Is it a phone call? I'm not sure but I've always been curious.

CAESAR

It actually makes sense to me why Hillary wouldn't have invited Caesar. First off, his movies (Planet Of The Apes) are way more popular than Hillary. We all know that she throws tantrums when she isn't the center of attention.

The other reason why Caesar was not invited, unfortunately, was because he is more articulate than Hillary.

Hey, don't get mad at me but it's true. No one wants to see a monkey dancing around on stage, scaring the audience with its intensity and clever words, and then have Hillary come up and do the same thing.

I personally think that Caesar's dictator like mentality and ideas would have fit right in with Hillary's political goals and views. It's sad to know that Caesar will be left out of Hillary's popular group.

That's okay, he's got cool friends like Orangatangs and James Franco that he can hang out with.

Other people weren't on Hillary's popular list either, but I can't list them all. The point is, Hillary is perfectly content with her “cool kid” selection. So unfortunately for Carrot Top, Evan Spiegel, David Blaine, and Caesar, they won't be able to join in with Hillary when she busts out into song and dance against Trump.