Confidential Clinton Confessional Revealed

A Day In The Life Of A Presidential Candidate

Confidential Clinton Confessional (Image: Flikr)

****THIS IS A SATIRE****

Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone is back with another exciting and intimate interview. It took some time but we finally got Hillary Clinton to agree to speak with us, so we threw Boone onto a plane and flew him up to New York to meet with the democratic presidential candidate.

It wasn't long after the plane landed that I realized what kind of interview this was going to be. Hillary pulled up to the tarmac in a camouflage Jeep, covered in mud, the top off and Skrillex blasting from the speakers. I wasn't sure if Ellen Degeneres or Justin Beiber had dressed her that morning but her slicked back hair matched her appearance. In person I must say that Hillary is very well developed, physique wise that is, her shoulders are broad, her arms are big and veiny and her hands are quite large. The thing that threw me off the most though was the dab of chew that she had tucked in her lip. Before I could say anything or thank her for meeting with me she grabbed me by the arm, in a grip that I could only describe as intimidating, and dragged me to the Jeep.

“You don't mind joining me on a few errands do you?” She said.

“Not at all!” Our reporter yelled over the blaring Skrillex music.

“You like Skrillex?” She asked.

“Of course!”

“I figured you would! My research shows that the young, hipsters of your generation really relate to him.” Hillary said. “You've got some questions for me don't you? Well, spit them out we don't have all day.”

“Right. Well, recently you've been the cause of some controversy over your personal email account…” Our reporter said.

“See! That's why I didn't want to be interviewed… but you guys had to throw a little girly fit until you got your way. Yes, I have been the cause of some controversy over that. Where's your question? You want to just state some random facts at me? I got a husband at home baking a cake, he's into baking, and that's all he ever does. Just a constant list of facts. I get it you're smart, you're a man, congratulations. I've been with… I mean seen, women more masculine then you…” Hillary said. “Sorry about that. My anger management coach is trying to teach me to control my outbursts. Anyway, what was your question?”

“Well, what is your comment on these accusations about your email account?” Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone said.

“I have no comment. Next questions.” Clinton said.

At that moment we pulled into a little parking lot in the back of a run-down building, a tattooed woman was standing in the back.

“Wait here for a second,” Hillary said as she climbed out of the car.

Hillary walked up to the woman and threw her arms around her, kissing her on the mouth. The tattooed woman gave her a package wrapped in tinfoil about the size of a brick. After Hillary slapped the woman's ass she walked back to the car.

“What was that all about?” Our reporter asked?

“Oh, I was picking up my dry cleaning.” She said.

“You seemed very… friendly,” Boone said.

“Yeah, I've been coming her for years…” She said.

“That's a small package for dry…”Our reporter said.

“Listen, do you have a problem? I'm not sitting her asking you all sorts of questions am I? No. I'm not. So why don't you get off my back, alright? I don't worry about how you make money, so don't worry about how I make mine.” Hillary said. “Now, next question.”

“Okay, well our readers want to get to know you,  so tell us what a day in the life of Hillary Clinton is like,” Boone said.

“A day in the life of Hillary Clinton?” She said. “Well, to be honest, I'm not the same person you see up there when I'm campaigning…”

“No kidding…” Our reporter said.

“You see politics is like lying. You have to be good at it to win. You go answer questions that you don't know the answer to, you go meet a bunch of people you don't care about, you have to pretend to be interested in “important matters”, it's really just all a big lie. You know what I really care about?” She asked.

“No,” Boone said.

“I care about gay marriage.” She said. “That's a big one for me. I mean why isn't it a bigger deal? For example, there's this girl that… I have a friend of mine, who is married to a man. He has made a success of himself, I guess, but this friend of mine, not me of course-my friend, is actually in love with another woman. They are so cute together too like they deserve each other, but yet this friend of mine is afraid to admit that and come forward. That's wrong isn't it?” Hillary asked.

“That is a very big issue,” Boone said.

“Yeah, but these democrats have me saying all sorts of things and it gets old. All I wanna do is be with… is see my friend be with her love.” Hillary said.

We stopped at another parking lot of an old worn-out apartment building.

“Stay right here and keep the car running.” She said.

After a few minutes I hear dogs barking from inside the apartment, and then Hillary comes running out of the apartment.

“We have to get out of here, come on let's go.” She peels out of the driveway.

Behind us, all of a sudden, I see two cop cars chasing us.

“What is going on?” Boone asked.

“Don't ask so many questions,” Hillary says. “Listen, no matter what happens, you tell them that we couldn't get the car to start and then we heard two gunshots, you got that, two gunshots. So we drove off in a hurry, okay?” Hillary asked.

“Okay,” Boone said.

Unfortunately, because of legal purposes we were not able to post the rest of the article because the trial is still being investigated. Please don't forget to come back and read what Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone, found out about Bernie Sanders, in the next installment of A Day In The Life Of A Presidential Candidate.

Article by Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone.