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Election 2016

Politically Wrong: Sassy Speak With Sanders

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Politically Wrong With Parker Wong

****THIS IS A SATIRE: BUT ALL QUOTES ARE REAL****

 

Every time the Presidential Primaries comes around it becomes the addiction of the nation. Everyone is waiting with bated breath to talk about the debates, the policies, the ideals, the moral stances, and the candidates. No one, however, talks about the people. That’s what they are, candidates, just people. They put their pants, or skirts/dresses, on one leg at a time just like me and you. They like milk in their cereal, unless they are weirdos, and they stand for things that they believe in. That’s what makes it so exciting. We get a chance to look into the minds of candidates and see the things that they stand for, behind a filter of political correctness of course, and see who they truly are. 

We have talked with Donald Trump, we have discussed policies with Ted Cruz, we have bantered with Hillary Clinton and now it is time to talk about the ‘red headed step child’ of this race, Bernard “Bernie” Sanders.

Not a lot of people know the life of the mysterious older man in the race, but he has actually been involved in politics for decades. In fact, he was there at the 1963 March On Washington For Jobs And Freedom where Martin Luther King Jr. gave his famous “I Have A Dream Speech.” Not only was he there, but he was actually arrested during a demonstration and fined for resisting arrest. That’s actually him in the picture to the left smiling as the cops drag him away. A criminal in the White House? That’s something I’ve never heard of before.

The 75-year-old Senator from Vermont certainly has had his fair share of politics. From being the mayor of Burlington, being a member of the House of Representatives, the Chairman of the Senate Committee of Veteran’s Affairs, to Senator, to the now Presidential Primary candidate, Bernie Sanders has been rocking the Kasbah for years. 

So we helped him with his walker, sat him down in a comfy chair, gave him a glass of Ensure and had ourselves an interview.

WONG: “Mr. Sanders you have spent the majority of your campaign fighting for the “people”, stating that we all need to join together to become equals and share in the wealth of the nation. These views have been seen as Marxist and leaning towards the Socialist side of the spectrum. Where does your affinity with the “people” come from?

SANDERS: “Ben is a person; Jerry is a person; Ben and Jerry’s is not a person.”

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WONG: That is very true… but what are your true views on Socialism?

SANDERS: “In Vermont, everybody knows that I am a socialist and that many people in our movement, not all, are socialists. And as often as not — and this is an interesting point that is the honest-to-God truth — what people will say is, ‘I don’t really know what socialism is, but if you’re not a Democrat or a Republican, you’re OK with me.’ That’s true. And I think there has been too much of a reluctance on the part of progressives and radicals to use the word ‘socialism.’”

WONG: Well what does Socialism mean to you? What is socialism?

SANDERS: All that socialism means to me, to be very frank with you, is democracy with a small ‘d.’”

WONG: Do you think that claiming to be a socialist has helped you or hurt you in the political campaign?

SANDERS: “We’re going to win because first we’re going to explain what Democratic Socialism is.”

The definition of socialism is the stage following capitalism in the transition of society to communism, characterized by the imperfect implementation of collectivist principles. In the dictionary, this is listed with the preheader of (in Marxist theory) that in itself should tell you something. The only problem with the overall idea of Bernie Sanders political ideas is that it cuts out the identity of the individual citizen. Is he right that people should have healthcare? Of course. Should we all have to pay for your heath care? No. Yet making everyone an equal means that eventually no one will have the drive to be an individual. It kills the hunger and passion for small business which is what our country was founded on.

WONG: Mr. Sanders, it has been documented that you don’t particularly trust women. Would you say that that is true?

SANDERS: “A woman enjoys intercourse with her man – as she fantasizes being raped by three men simultaneously.”

WONG: Well… Okay. You advocate a lot for poverty, what are your views on the general public and poverty?

SANDERS: “When you’re white you don’t know what it’s like to be living in a ghetto. You don’t know what it’s like to be poor.”

As the interview went on the 75-year-old man became more and more tired and less and less responsive. So eventually, I walked him out, with his walker, and helped him into his limousine that he arrived in.

Yet after the interview, I did some research. I found that 13 million “white” children are living in poverty as of 2014 (found on Nation Center for Children in Poverty) Yes poverty is real but it is a mistake to make poverty a racial war because it isn’t. 4 million “latin” children are in poverty, and 3.6 million “black” children are in poverty. 

Although Bernie Sanders has a very religious following, it would be best to study the policies and things that he says before jumping of the deep end and “Feeling the Bern.”

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