The Day In The Life Of A Presidential Candidate
****THIS IS A SATIRE****
Our reporter Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone is at it again with another ‘Day in the Life’ interview, this time with the ever anticipated John Kasich. Unfortunately, Kasich would not invite our reporter to his home in Ohio, so we had to pay to fly Kasich to a location of his choosing, an In-N-Out in Los Angeles, to sit down and start asking the tough questions.
To start off we know that all of you are wondering, how does the presidential candidate John Kasich like his In-N-Out burgers? Well in his own words, “There’s nothing more American than eating meat, and In-N-Out’s animal style is the perfect way to enjoy the heart of this country.”
“So Mr. Kasich a lot of people are wondering just what you plan to do if you are elected this country’s next president.” Our reporter asked.
“Well Mr. Boonie, first off I have to address two things. For starters, there is no if in the question of me being elected president. I will be the next president of the United States, the writing is on the wall, everyone can see it. Second, my last name is pronounced ‘kacsh’ like Johnny Cash. I know, I know what you’re thinking. Most people think that it is pronounced ‘kay-sick’, well sir that is incorrect. I am a winner, and a winner needs a winning name. So call me John Kasch, okay?”
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“Now that the important things are out of the way,” Kasich said through mouthfuls of a double-double animal style burger, “let’s talk about my vision for the new Kasch America. There are three things that are the most important to me. One, I think we need to change the national anthem to a Grateful Dead song. I know that a lot of people really like that old one but I’m sorry it lacks style. I’m a winner Danny, and if this country wants to be a winner, it needs a winning theme song.”
“Isn’t it true that you were stopped from getting on stage at a Grateful Dead concert in 1991?” Our reporter asked.
“That was a misunderstanding. That’s all. I happen to be close personal friends with the guys in the band and Mr. Boonie, I’m no liar, so you can believe that.” Kasich said in response. “Now moving on, the second thing that is important to me is, a national news talk show with me, the 43rd president of the United States, as the host. You may be aware of my talk show “From The Heartland With John Kasich” that I did back in Ohio for six years. I know what it’s like to be a star, I’m no noob when it comes to pressure, and I don’t crack Danny, I blossom.”
“Do you have an idea for a title of this show?” Daniel “Big Mouth,” Boone asked.
“I’m glad you asked Mr. Boonie, yes I do. What do you think of “Straight Talk With John Kasch”?” Mr. Kasich asked.
“I think it’s great,” our reporter replied.
“I knew you would. Now give me a minute while I get a strawberry shake.” Kasich said. “Okay now, these shakes are delicious by the way you should get one, the last thing on my agenda as president is making pro-wrestling our country’s national sport.”
“With your history of your short fuse, and unpredictable tantrums do you think that is a smart choice as president?” Our reporter asked.
“Let’s get one thing straight Mr. Boonie, I don’t make mistakes, I make legends. I am a winner. I will make this country a winner. With a name like John Kasch how can you not be a winner, you understand me? Now wrestling is an American classic, it has given us winners for years. Like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, John Cena, Hulk Hogan and how can I not mention Steve Austin. We are a country of winners and when I win, which everyone knows that I will, I, John Kasch, will make this country even more of a winner.”
“Is there anything else you would like to say to our readers?” Our reporter Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone asked.
“As a matter of fact Danny, there is. I wanted to say, in advance, that I’m sorry to Mr. Donny Trumps and Mr. T-Man Cruz for their future defeat in this election. I know that they really believed in themselves but when you are competing against a winner, losing is a destiny, not a question. There shouldn’t be any tears shed for the losers of this election, there should be no hard feelings. They tried their best against an opponent that was far superior than they were, the outcome was inevitable. I do want them to know that if they would like to come visit the White House they are welcome to anytime, but Cruz is not allowed to use my bathroom, and Trump cannot and will not be allowed anywhere near my wife.”
Well, there you have it guys. Mr. John Kasich unfortunately would not tell us about his daily schedule as a campaigning presidential candidate because “a winner never reveals their daily secrets.”
Thank you so much for reading and don’t forget to tune in when we interview the front runner of this 2016 presidential campaign Mr. Donald Trump.
From reporter Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone.