Trumps Tender Talks

A Day In Life Of A Presidential Candidate

Tender Talks With Donald Trump (Image: Flickr)

****THIS IS A SATIRE****

Tender Talks With Donald Trump

A Day In The Life Of A Presidential Candidate

Our reporter Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone is back at it again with another exclusive interview, and this time, he convinced the frontrunner of this presidential election to sit down and answer the real questions. Donald Trump, the man that is making the biggest waves in this electoral pool, flew our reporter out to his penthouse apartment in New York and got down to brass tacks.

Now if you think Trump Towers is breathtaking on the outside, when you enter through the glass doors it’s like walking into a cloud and coming out the other side into Candy Land. If Dorothy had ended up here she would have burned her ruby slippers and never gone back to Kansas. Every inch of the decadent interior screams elegance and every slab of marble is etched with the word ‘Trump’. It’s what every twelve-year-old, over-privileged, and spoiled boy could ever want.

Before we got the interview off to a start, Donald Trump took me through a tour of the Trump Gift Shop in the lobby, he was even kind enough to buy me a life-sized poster of himself, which he signed.  

After that exciting tour through Trump memorabilia, we took his private elevator up to the penthouse and entered into his domain. The pure gold apartment, which I was later told was spray painted, was head to toe covered in Donald Trump’s likeness. At every corner was a statue of the presidential candidate, busts of the man covered every table, pictures of his face hung from every free space on the wall. It was exactly what he called it, “Trump Tower.”

We sat down in Trumps study and got into the truth, of course only after his 15-year-old boy servant Eduardo came in, wearing only a loin cloth and beads, and served us pina coladas.

“Mr. Trump, you’ve caused a lot of commotion during this election, why do you think that is?” Our reporter asked.

“I mean you know how it is girl, haters gonna hate. I spend time on my body. I spend time on my hair. I get my facials. I get my Mani/Pedi's, and people don’t understand it. They are used to a president being some crusty old man from the country, but what about Kennedy? Kennedy was a tall, attractive man who had women throw themselves at him. And Reagan? He was an actor, like a real life movie star – he was completely put together.” Trump said while sipping on his pina colada. “I was in a movie once, did you know that?”

“Yes, actually I…”

“I was in Zoolander – that movie is literally about people being beautiful, so why should it surprise the people of this country that I am really really good looking?” Trump said, emotion starting to build behind his eyes. “I’m just trying to do what I was put on this Earth to do Daniel, and that is be an inspiration. I am handsome, rich, and talented and I want to share that with this country. Can you imagine everyone, beautiful and rich? That is what I want. I mean not as rich as me, but still rich. We would go from the obesest country in the world to the sexiest.”

“Eduardo?” Trump yelled.

Eduardo, his 15-year-old servant boy runs over.

“Can you get my back, mommy is feeling sore,” Trump said as Eduardo started to massage his back.

“Mr. Trump, what would you say is your daily routine? I know the American public would really love to know.” Our reporter Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone asked.

“Well, it’s actually very stressful. Every morning I wake up and have Eduardo here give me a facial, only from the finest ingredients. Then I have my masseuse, Ricardo – he’s from Argentina, come and give me a two-hour massage, and let me tell you he knows how to work my body. Then I sit in the sauna while Eduardo feeds me grapes. Then I have my campaign manager Corey, he’s such a doll, sign anything that needs to be signed and write all my speeches. The rest of the day really goes by in a flash…..” Trump said. “Eduardo a little lower, please. The rest of the day is spent gossiping with Melania, she helps me pick all my clothes, she really thinks that red and blue bring out my eyes. Then the day is over, I get one more facial, then get tucked into bed by Eduardo. It’s hard work being a beauty like me.”

“But what about your policies and the things you want to make happen for this country?” Our reporter asked.

“Honestly my main focus is making this country beautiful again. I’ve done the research and have you noticed how all the wealthy people in this country are beautiful? I have. Justin Bieber, gorgeous. Zac Efron, gorgeous. Justin Timberlake, a dream. Chris Pine, hottie McHotterson. I think if we close our borders and start regulating that only beautiful people can enter this country, we will see the overall wealth triple within two years. It’s a fact, I’ve done the studying.” Trump said.

“Well, Mr. Trump, thank you so much for your time and for inviting me into your lovely home.” Our reporter said.

“You are always welcome Daniel, I love surrounding myself with beautiful people. I host a weekly slumber party for the beautiful, rich and famous and although you’re not rich or famous, I would love to have your beautiful face there. James Franco always comes and he brings the best body lotions.” Trump said.

There you have it, right from the mouth of Trump himself. Don’t forget to check out our next interview, when our reporter Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone gets to invited to work out with Hillary Clinton.

From reporter Daniel “Big Mouth” Boone.