Hacking Hillary: A Letter To Iran

*This is a work of satire*

EXCLUSIVE: A Russian hacker intercepted and delivered to us a personal email from Hillary Clinton that he said we'd want to read and boy was he right. We had no choice, but to share this email with the world. The hacker claims there are more where this came from, so look for future installments.

[Aug, 12th 2016]

Dear President Rouhani,

Before you scold me for sending you an email, don’t worry, I’m pretty sure that no one will think to hack my personal phone again. What are the odds that anyone would try that for a…what 3rd? 4th time? They can’t believe I'm that dumb right…

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Also, Before you ask about Obama’s diary, I took care of it. It turns out that his maid had been leaking it to some conservative news site, needless to say, they won’t be finding her anytime soon. If there is one thing I hate… It’s leaks.

Anyway, I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last visited your amazing country. I hope you liked our “care basket,” the taxpayers would have just blown that 400 million on lottery tickets, miniature American flags, and fried chicken anyway.

Now I know you are going to lecture me about allowing Donald Trump to challenge my rule, but America isn’t run like Iran, yet. I know I know, I could just have him killed or jailed, but what difference does it make? He’s actually making me look good at the moment!

Speaking of jail, these Republicans won’t stop hounding me about paying for my crimes. It’s like they don’t even understand that I’m above these peasants. They’d expect someone of my status to slave away next to the common filth and share a cell!?!

I know they are dumb, but even they have to understand that I own every part of the justice system. I mean if the FBI isn’t even allowed to touch me, who do they think is left? Besides, you know all the private prisons give me my cut of the profits, the wardens don’t want to lose their job locking me up. But, as always I can’t just come out and tell the lowlife citizens all this. Instead, Bill just makes me use CNN to tell them their opinions of me.

Well, I better go. So many wars to plan and so little time. I promise to come visit you in Iran soon! I may even have some “top secret” plans for you… If you know what I mean.

Regards,

Hillary Clinton

P.S. Don’t worry about Israel, I’ve got something special in store for them.