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Election 2016

Politically Wrong: Crying Cruz Confessions



Politically Wrong With Parker Wong

****This Is A Work Of Satire, But All Quotes Are Real****

Yesterday was a day of great victory and great loss in this year’s presidential primaries. Trump the triumphant came out of Indiana the victor which crowned him the presumptive Republican nominee. It looks as if in November Hillary and Trump will battle it out to the death to see who will grace the oval office with their presence. That is, of course, unless Kasich or Sanders can magically pull some luck out of a hat, yet you and I both know that isn’t very likely. Yet in the foreground of all the victory that Trump’s campaign was relishing in sat Ted Cruz. Cruz decided, after the defeat in Indiana, to pull out of the race, one more in a long list of candidates who did so. Four Democrats so far have dropped out, Chafee, Lessig, O’Malley, Webb, and fifteen Republican candidates have dropped out, Bush, Carson, Christie, Fiorina, Gilmore, Graham, Huckabee, Jindal, Pataki, Paul, Perry, Rubio, Santorum, Walker, and now Cruz. 

Competitions are difficult by definition, and anyone who has ever gone to high school can tell you that elections of any sort are always a popularity contest. Who can win the favor of the people first? That’s what it comes down to, and each candidate has been using whatever they have in their arsenal to gain that favor. Clinton has used her former husband, which may or may not have been the best of choices, Trump used his popularity from reality television. Yet the people have spoken and Cruz has been voted off of the island. 

So now that the dust has settled we asked Cruz if he would mind coming in and doing an interview with us and tell us how he feels now about losing the primary. To warn you this interview was very emotional for Mr. Cruz, we had to stop and start the numerous times because he was wrought with tears, so bear with us.

WONG: So Mr. Cruz… I know this is a difficult time for you but what would you like to say to the public after dropping out of the presidential primary?

CRUZ: “You want to lose elections, stand for nothing. …And then, of course, all of us remember President Dole and President McCain and President Romney. Now look, those are good men. They’re decent men, but when you don’t stand and draw a clear distinction; when you don’t stand for principle, Democrats celebrate.

WONG: Are you saying that you lost the election because you didn’t stand for anything?


CRUZ: “I will say standing here after 14 hours, standing on your feet, there’s sometimes some pain, sometimes some fatigue that is involved, but you know what? There’s far more pain involved in rolling over… far more pain in hiding in the shadows, far more pain in not standing for principle, not standing for the good, not standing for integrity.”

After this comment, the ex-presidential primary candidate became overtaken with emotion and was unable to go on, so we gave him some milk and after awhile he was able to talk again.

At this point in the interview, Ted Cruz became very delusional in his emotion and started saying things that were very strange.

WONG: Do you think that you will go down in history for losing to Mr. Trump? Or do you plan to run again?

CRUZ: “Twenty years from now if there is some obscure trivial pursuit question, I am confident I will be the answer.”

WONG: You talk a lot about your father, and how proud you are of being the son of an immigrant, do you think he helped you pursue a candidacy for the President?

CRUZ: “I will credit my father, he invented … green eggs and ham. He did it two ways. The easy way was he would put green food coloring in … But if you take spinach and mix it into the eggs, the eggs turn green … I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam I am.”

WONG: How do you feel now, being back in your home state of Texas?

CRUZ: “Having spent the past month up in D.C., it is really great to be back in America.”

It is clear that this defeat is very hard for the former presidential primary candidate. I have never seen Mr. Cruz look more like Grandpa Munster, his skin was white, he had a goofy smile on his face, and he was sticky with sweat. Apparently Donald Trump doesn’t just win elections he destroys his opponents and turns them into babbling buffoons.

We, fortunately, did get a little more out of the senator.

WONG: Now that you are no longer in the running for the President of the United States, what do you think is important in a candidate? Something that you look for.

CRUZ: “Al­ways be sexy.”

WONG: What do you think you’re going to do now? Is there something you have been craving or missing since you have been campaigning?

CRUZ: “…a tequila. Or even some famous Colorado brownies.”

Just for our readers out there we assume that he means pot brownies when he says “famous Colorado brownies.”

We have a long history of winner and losers when it comes to candidates for the President of the United States. That is two sided coin of campaigning, someone must win and someone must lose. Even though Ted Cruz lost this round, who knows if he has lost the war. We have seen many candidates run multiple times, trying to win their chance at the title. It is hard to lose, especially for politicians, it is burned into their DNA to win. That is how they function.

So as Cruz puts his campaign to rest, we step forward into the months leading up to November and see who the victor is of this election. We wait with bated breath to see who we will crown the President of the United States.

See RelatedPolitically Wrong: Trump Talks Trump

Parker Wong (born October 28th, 1983) is an American conservative political commentator. Has been and continues to be a part of many political organizations such as ACLU, Lions Club International, NRA, CSAmerica, as well as many others. Has been known to rally and advocate for and against LLCR, PRA, Grassroots Leadership, as well as many others. His brash tactics and straightforward temperament makes him well known in the political field. He now has turned to the internet to spread his views on politics and the way that America used to be, and should be.

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  • tvirginia says:

    Cruz isn’t delusional. Elections aren’t popularity contests based on how well you’re liked, but rather based on character, ideas and policies, etc. Trump is all about “I” not “We”, but we are all in this together.

  • Gale says:

    You Must realize that there are winners and losers. Cruz, like Reagan, realized that the tide was too great for him to win this time. He will return in four years after the populace is sick and tired of the liberal policies of either of the two remaining candidates and win handily. Hope it is NOT too late!

  • April Rankin says:

    I think you are disrespectful to a person of such character which shows what kind of person you are. I do believe I will unsubscribe from this news letter as I had they were of better quality in their choice of writers.

    • Kay says:

      I agree with April. Since this was so unlike Ted Cruz,I had to search very closely to find the almost hidden disclaimer in your article that this was “satire” and not an actual interview. Taking quotes way out of context and attempting to humiliate a decent man is not satire. I, too, will be unsubscribing.

  • Juanita [email protected] says:

    I am so glad these crybabies lost. Hope Cruz the Canadian enjoys his Tequila & brownies laced with guess what!!!! Real Religious giant. lol

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